Disclosure, Rebuilding Marriage

Real Remorse?

Dear Husband

I’ve seen two different sides of you. Really different. I’ve seen you beg, literally on your knees for forgiveness when you couldn’t stand on DDAY2 as you lied and begged as I packed a bag. That wasn’t remorse, it was panic, and your attempt to lie through what happened that day. You were ready to throw her under the bus so quickly, she meant as little to you as I did when it came to saving your own skin. When it came to you being in the firing line, being in the wrong, you knew you were caught and you knew the game was up, you cried and you begged but it wasn’t real.

I’ve been battling these last few weeks, with this unease, this feeling, that you’re trying to do the right thing but it’s not quite real. That the transparency is there, that you’re answering questions but it’s not all real, it’s superficial. You keep talking about how you’re working hard to maintain transparency but then how hard can it be? To not lie? If what you say is true, if the affair is over, then how hard is it to release yourself and be transparent.

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Right now it all feels superficial. You’re still going about your daily business. You’re not really reading affair related anything unless I send it to you. You’re not doing much over your basic humaning, you’re saying sorry but not much else.

I stumbled across this article on a blog for women who have been cheated on and who are encouraged to leave. I totally get the message and just because it’s not my choice doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot of useful stuff on the page for me.

I don’t feel that I’m even starting to recover yet. We have good days. We have bad days. We have amazing sex sometimes. But I’m not recovering. I’m not moving forward. I can’t because right now nothing feels rooted in anything real. It all feels a bit forced, like you’re treading water still not really sure whether to swim to me or her.

I can’t live that way. Something has to change. So I sent you that article, and I told you that I don’t feel like you’re giving me the full deal, that you’re some of the way there but what I need to see you do is actually learn, develop yourself and engage in the support network available to us.

Time will tell.

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